


maybe i don't want heaven.

by Amonet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Castiel In Love, Declaration of Love, Hurt, Hurt feelings, M/M, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Suicide, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, so just supernatural basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:43:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9311978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amonet/pseuds/Amonet
Summary: „Because I fell in love with you, over and over again and every second I fall more for you. You are everything I ever wanted and I don’t know why, but I’m in love with you and when you smile my world lights up. You are undeniably the best thing that ever happened to me and I wanted to protect you, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. But failing to protect you just made me love you more and the fact that you don’t hate me for being too weak, made me get up in the mornings. You are everything, Dean. If you’ll be my sun, then I’ll be the rest of this tiny solar system. And I’ll burn and die for you every day.” That’s what Castiel wanted to say. But he didn’t.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to pretend that this fits into canon at all. Just see it as an AU basically!  
> (The quote is from a tumblr post, I would link to it, but I've lost it.)

 

 **maybe i don't want heaven.**  

 

„you were the moon.

all this time.

and he was always there for you to make you shine.”

 

“was he the sun?”

 

“no honey, he was the darkness.”

(kazekirion)

 

 

The morning when it happened wasn’t a very nice morning, it was cold and moist in a very unpleasant way and just cold enough for the rain to not turn into snow. The streets were wet and slippery and the mist was too thick to be able to see further than a few meters. Even though it was January there was no visible sign of winter.

Dean wasn’t really sure why he chose this place. He had told Sam that nobody would find them here, which was certainly true, but there was more to it than that. Dean chose this place for reasons Sam wouldn’t understand, that even Dean didn’t fully understand. This old barn in the literal middle of nowhere, miles away from every sign of civilisation and every highway, just seemed sad, almost depressing and that was exactly what Dean had been aiming for. It seemed appropriate.

“Dean?”, Sam asked and put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Do you want to go inside?”  
Sam looked tired, but not nearly as bad as Dean felt, who was just about to shake his head, but decided differently in the last second. If they would just wait, what would it change? Cas betrayed them, there was no denying it. If they didn’t stop it now, who knew what could happen next? It wouldn’t get better, that was for sure.

The gate was heavy and wooden and couldn’t be fully opened, so they left the Impala outside in the rain and entered the barn just in the second the first lightning stroke.  
Inside there was the unpleasant smell of mouldy hay, the kind of smell you don’t get rid of, no matter how often you wash your clothes. In the middle of the barn, where the hay had long been gone, was an old, red plastic can. It wasn’t a nice container, but it did its job.

The old, wooden floor, that ended just after the first half of the barn, creaked as Dean stepped closer to the can. For a moment everything seemed unreal to him, the whole situation seemed fake, like something in a nightmare, that you know is not real, but scares you anyways. For a moment Dean wanted to laugh, just because it was so absurd but then he remembered Cas and how he always disappeared when it was important and how everything they tried to do started to go wrong all off a sudden and- The thoughts gave Dean a headache. He didn’t like thinking about it, about the fact that Cas, of all people, had been the one to team up with Metatron against them. Surely you would think that they learned from their past mistakes, but this time it was different, Dean knew that. Because this time there was no greater good, there was no reason, nothing that would be important enough for Cas to change sides, to pair up with Metatron, no this time Cas had just gotten bored. Or – and that was a thought that Dean didn’t like because it made his headache worse – maybe Cas wasn’t bored. Maybe he just didn’t want to put up with Dean and the Mark of Cain anymore and wanted to be the good guy again. No matter how hard Dean tried, he couldn’t give Cas that.

The jar wasn’t heavy, it was even a bit to light and it didn’t take Dean long to make a circle out of holy oil on the floor. Then he threw the can away, far out of sight behind a pile of old, rotten hay.  
For a moment it was quiet and just for a second he thought about just not doing it. He didn’t want to lose Cas. Hell, he wasn’t even angry. Anger was the only emotion he was sure he wasn’t feeling at the moment.

“We should get going,” Sam said and tried to hand Dean a matchbox. Dean didn’t take it. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do it, as much as he wished he would. This was a weakness but he couldn’t fight it. Not this time.  
The logical part of his brain knew that they had to light the oil as soon as Cas had set both feet in the circle, and that there was not guaranty that Sam could get close enough to do that. Cas never let Sam get too close. But he had an angels blade hidden in his jacket and that was already enough to make Dean feel like he was going to be sick, like right now.

“You can do it,” Dean said. “I’ll call him.” He didn’t look his brother in the eye.  
“Cas?”, he tried. “Castiel? We need your help buddy, it’s important. I need you here.”  
He could feel Sam’s eyes on him and for a moment he wanted to tell him to look away. For a few seconds there was dead silence and then Dean could hear something that sounded almost like wings and he could feel Cas presence in the room. Under other circumstances, this would make him smile.  
For a second he kept his eyes closed, then he opened them.

Years ago Dean had had problems to actually believe that Cas was an angel, weird and socially awkward as he was, but now, every time he looked at him he could just see it. There was no doubt. Sometimes it was so obvious that Dean didn’t know how people on the street didn’t notice.

“Dean,” The angel sounded pleasantly surprised, almost like he hadn’t expected Dean to actually be there. He took a step forward, towards Dean and unknowingly set his feet in the circle of holy oil. For a moment time seemed to stop and Dean didn’t know if Cas even noticed that Sam was there, just two steps behind him, with a burning match in his hand and if he even cared. But a second later the circle lit up and Dean was surprised how much it hurt him to see Castiel realise what this was. And that was what made Dean finally realise. This, this was an execution. And there was nothing that would stop them.

And then there was Cas, in his weird trench coat, that Dean had kept for so long, with his twisted tie, that Dean loathed so much and he knew he should hate Cas right now, but he couldn’t. He wanted to hate him for betraying them – him – again, for not having an excuse and answer and most of all he wanted to hate Cas for making him unable to hate him.  
But this was still Cas. This person, in front of him, that was his friend, the only person he had left besides Sam, the only one who hadn’t left and given up on him like everyone else did. He couldn’t hate Cas. And he definitely couldn’t kill him.

“Did you really think we are so stupid?” Sam’s voice sounded so angry that it surprised Dean. Sometimes he forgot that Cas was Sam’s friend too. “Did you really think we wouldn’t notice? You are a terrible liar Castiel, I don’t know why you even bother, to be honest. I actually thought we grew out of this whole “let’s betray each other for kicks” thing but-,“ Sam turned away. “It seems like we didn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, but it didn’t sound like it. He didn’t sound sad or apologetic or anything really, it sounded casual. Like he was talking about the weather or TV.

And suddenly the rage was there, like fire in his chest, making him unable to think.  
“So you are sorry, really? You know what Cas, I’m sorry too, but that doesn’t mean that it changes anything, because you know what? Nobody cares! You fucked up big time, alright, and that not for the first time, I mean Metatron, really? Naomi, sure, Crowley, yeah okay, but Metatron! That’s low, even for you Cas!” Dean said.  
“You don’t get it, Dean,” Cas said and without looking him in the eye.  
“Yeah, you’re right, I don’t get it. But, guess what, I really don’t care anymore. I just don’t care about your sorry ass anymore, Cas.”  
“Dean-,“ Sam tried but Dean didn’t stop.  
“I’m not finished yet.” He stepped closer to the flames until he could feel the warmth on his skin. “Do you have any idea how much I gave up for you? How much I believed in you? But nothing you ever did was real and every time I think we are over it, it happens again, and you lie to me again, and again and again and you play your little games and I can’t believe you anymore. I don’t know how to believe you anymore, if we are nothing but dolls for you, that you can play with. Was anything real Cas? Just anything, any promises, anything you said or are lies all that comes out of your mouth?”

Dean tried to look Cas in the eye, but the angel averted his gaze. Dean just stared at him for a second.

“Great! Just what I thought. You’re a good actor, you know. Really convincing, but the play is over.” Dean said and he hated how bitter his voice sounded. “I actually thought we were friends.”  
“We are friends! I-“  
“No, Cas, you and I, we ain’t friends, okay. We are nothing!”

Cas took a deep breath. “You have no idea what I gave up for you. You haven’t got a clue.”  
“Then tell me!”, Dean shouted. “Just tell me, goddammit!”  
“I can’t. You wouldn’t understand.” Cas said and for a moment it was quiet. “And I don’t think you’d like to hear it, to be honest.”  
“Stop making decisions for me. You don’t know anything about me, okay, so don’t act like you know what I want or like you care,” Dean said.  
“I care about you Dean, I have always cared about you. That’s the reason I am doing this.”  
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Dean said.  
“Of course you don’t,” Cas said, his voice sounding tired. “You do not know Dean, what I gave up to make you happy. Yes, I made mistakes, I never said, I didn’t but you wouldn’t understand-“

“Then explain it!” Dean shouted and in the same moment, you could hear the thunder. “Explain why you always betray me, explain why you leave, every time I need you, why you-“

„Because I fell in love with you, over and over again and every second I fall more for you. You are everything I ever wanted and I don’t know why, but I’m in love with you and when you smile my world lights up. You are undeniably the best thing that ever happened to me and I wanted to protect you, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. But failing to protect you just made me love you more and the fact that you don’t hate me for being too weak, made me get up in the mornings. You are everything, Dean. If you’ll be my sun, then I’ll be the rest of this tiny solar system. And I’ll burn and die for you every day.” That’s what Castiel wanted to say. But he didn’t.

“I am in love with you.”, Castiel said and for a moment there was nothing but silence. Even the rain stopped for a second.

“You- What?”  
“I fell in love with you. After I freed your soul from hell we kept you in heaven for a while, to put you back together and you were wonderful. And I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. And believe it or not, you loved me too.” Cas said. “I seemed so easy, loving you. You were perfect, too perfect, and we didn’t have to worry about anything and then they told me that I had to delete your memory. You wouldn’t remember. And then I came to earth, just to find you, to see if maybe once in my eternal life I had been less than perfect, but you just wouldn’t remember. I tried and tried, but you just wouldn’t.” Cas swallowed hard. “It’s not easy loving someone who doesn’t remember you. But I didn’t care. And we were friends and I was alright with being your friend. I knew I would do everything to protect you.

I rebelled for you, Dean, I gave up armies, I betrayed my brothers, sisters, and my father, I did things I couldn’t have imagined doing before I met you and I gave up my life for you. I took lives for you, for Dean Winchester the man that had a soul, so beautiful that it took an angel all of 2 days to fall in love with him. And I didn’t regret falling for you. That’s the only thing I never regret, no matter what, even though I am painfully aware that you could die tomorrow and break my heart, but I chose you Dean, every second, of every hour, of every day, I chose you and I will keep choosing you until all the stars are gone and replaced by nothing but darkness and even then, I will still choose you, no matter if you and me are dead or not. Because I will find a way and I won’t give up on you.” Cas had gotten louder. “I betrayed you to keep you safe, but every time I try to keep you out of something, you have to come and mess it up. I never met someone who was so dedicated to messing up every attempt to keep him safe. I don’t know if you just hate being protected or if it is just me, to be honest. But it doesn’t matter. I will die protecting you, be it today or in a thousand years. Because it’s you Dean. It’s always you.

And I know that you don’t love me, not the way I love you, and that’s alright, really. But I want you to understand it because I can’t take you hating me.” Cas took a deep breath. “Can you please understand it? Can you try?”

For a moment Dean didn’t move, but then he took a step back, so fast that he almost fell over his own feet, trying to get more distance between himself and the angel.  
“Okay, so you don’t.” Cas sounded tired. “This look, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to every see you look at me this way.”  
“How do I look at you then?” Dean tried too hard to keep his voice casual.  
“Like you are afraid of me. Like I disgust you.” Cas averted his gaze, unable to look Dean in the eye.  
“I-“ Dean started,  
“No. It doesn’t matter, Dean, it’s alright. If you give me the blade, then I can finish what we are here for.” Cas voice sounded just as forced as Dean’s now, trying too hard to keep it together.  
Slowly, almost carefully, Dean took the blade out of his jacket. For a moment the air seemed to be static and then Dean turned away from Cas and handed Sam the blade.

“You do it.”  
“Dean, I should do that myself-,“ Cas tried to say, but Dean didn’t let him finish.  
“Shut up.” Dean didn’t even look at him.  
“Dean, he is right, I-,“ Sam bluntly was interrupted by Cas.  
“What? You don’t even trust me enough for that?” For the first time in their conversation, Cas sounded angry. “If I die, my grace burns out, rapidly. It would kill Sam. Give me the blade.”  
“Do it,” Dean said, eyes still fixed on Sam and everyone else would have given in, but not Sam. Sam knew better than to blindly follow Dean and his orders and sometimes Dean wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.  
“No. Do it yourself if you want, but I’m not gonna risk my life just because you are a coward. This thing is between you and him.” Sam turned to the door, but looked back on last time, before he left the barn. “I’m sorry Castiel, you know that. But that doesn’t change anything.”

The door closed and left nothing but a deep silence behind. Outside the rain had stopped and the thunder seemed far away now. Still, this reminded him of his first meeting with Cas, the first one he could remember anyways. And suddenly he knew why he had chosen this place of all the places in this world, he could have chosen. He had chosen it because it was like it had been at the beginning.

Dean stood there, angels blade in his hand and his anger gone. Cas looked so vulnerable, so human as he stood there and for a brief moment the two of them were just two men in a barn.

“Cas, I-“ Dean faltered, then he dropped the blade. Clanking it hit the floor, only a few steps away from Cas, but still far out of his reach. “I can’t do this.”  
Dean looked up from the floor, his gaze wandering around the barn and for a second he thought about extinguishing the flames and – well, what after that. Nothing. There was nothing he could do about this. He couldn’t let Cas walk free. But like this… Cas was trapped, maybe this was the right thing. Maybe this was their perfect solution.

And just like this, Cas eyes suddenly seemed just a bit too blue, his hair too tousled and his lips too full and Dean averted his gaze. He couldn’t look at him.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he turned around to the gate and just for this one second he thought about going back, stepping into the circle, and kissing Cas.

Then, without looking back, Dean left. And Cas was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> As you've probably noticed by now, I'm still in search of a beta. Hope you enjoyed it anyways!  
> Talk to me on tumblr or send me a prompt! I'm [Amonet-writes](https://amonet-writes.tumblr.com) over there!


End file.
